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The Secret to Getting What you Want
January/February 2003
What is the one ability a leader must possess that transcends all attributes? What ability, when demonstrated will give individuals instant authority, create greater opportunity for influence and instill faith and credibility in their leadership? What ability will make people even better looking? Of course, this ability is . . .CONFIDENCE. I'm learning that we can be dumb as a fence post, but if we exude confidence others will often give us want we want. I learned this lesson on a trip from Ocala, Florida to Tampa just a few years ago.
It was 7:30am and I had not yet received my daily dose of caffeine. So I decided to pull off of I-75 into McDonalds for a cup of coffee. My suit was pressed, my shoes were polished and my mind was prepared for my one hour keynote later that morning. I parked my car and walked in the front door. I was the only one in line so I boldly walked up and with a big smile said, "Good Morning! How are you today?" The young lady looked back at me with a frown and said, "great." I responded with a smile, "Well then, why don't you tell your face? It seems to be completely clueless right now." She responded by turning up the corners of her mouth and began to laugh. That's when I dropped the bomb. "I would like a small cup of coffee in a large cup!" She dropped her head and with fear in her eyes said, "I don't think I can do that." To which I replied, "Sure you can! I know you can!" She looked up, said, "Okay", turned on her heals and prepared my order just as I requested.
That day, I learned that confidence is the secret to getting what we want in life. I also learned that confidence is demonstrated through communication. Communication is the conduit through which all relationships are defined. I agree with Max DePree who says, "There may be no single thing more important in our efforts to achieve meaningful work and fulfilling relationships than to learn to practice the art of communication." So, Let me share a few communication tips for demonstrating confidence with others so that you can get what you want more often.
Be Specific and Direct
The reason why so many people fail to get what they want is because they use gross generalities. Communicate specifically. This demonstrates to others that you know what you want and expect to get it. For example, if I said, "I'd like to go out to dinner tonight, would you like to go with me?" My desire is mostly implied and my emphasis is placed on the request to have you join me. In other words, I've communicated that I'm still unsure about going out to dinner and that if you don't go with me I will probably stay at home. Now look at the following statement - "I am going out to Outback Steakhouse for dinner tonight, I would like it if you would join me." Isn't that what I really want? Well, if it is than say it, specifically and directly.
Match Your Nonverbal Behavior to Your Words
It is true that what we do speaks so loudly nobody can hear what we are saying. According to Albert Metrabian, a communications professor at UCLA, Fifty-five (55) percent of what others interpret from our communication comes through our nonverbals / body language, thirty-eight (38) percent is attributed to our tone of voice and only a meager seven (7) percent from the words we actually choose. This awareness highlights one of the greatest stumbling blocks to effective communication with others. In most cases, we attempt to organize and plan our verbal responses to others by answering the question, "What do I need to say?" If Metrabian's research is true, than the previous question is irrelative. The more appropriate question to ponder would be "How do I say it?" Ninety-Three (93) percent of what others interpret will come from "how" not "what." This means that we need to focus more on body position, open and closed postures, eye contact, facing, standing, etc. etc. These communication clues will demonstrate to others our genuine intent and override our verbal expressions. Getting our bodies and our words aligned demonstrates authenticity and gives others confidence in the integrity of our words.
Keep Your Emotional Tone Level Appropriate
Now that's not very clear. What is an emotional tone level and what is appropriate? I'm glad you asked. First of all, since tone conveys 38% of our message, it is important to focus our tone in the "confidence zone." The confidence zone is the medium-low vocal tone that others interpret as authoritative and firm. People who get emotionally charged often raise their tone to a medium-high level. This suggests to others the person is losing control. Therefore, others respond more positively when we keep our tone within 8-12 notes in the medium-low range, One of my favorite black and white television shows is the Andy Griffith Show. Two main characters frame my comments on the value of tone. Barney Fife, on the one hand, possesses a high-pitched, squeaky, whiney tonal quality. Andy, however, always communicates in a subtle, medium-low tone of voice. Barney appears to be completely out of control, while Andy maintains control and composure in every situation. I guess that's why the show isn't called "The Barney Fife Hour." So, keep that tone in the basement not the attic.
Stick to Your Point
When making your point, stick to it. So often, when we express ourselves our words are met with rebuttal and challenge. We then often buckle under the pressure of rejection and start sidestepping with our language. If you dare risk sharing your opinion, share it, and continue your stance regardless of the opinions of others. Backing down only demonstrates a lack of personal commitment and belief in what you are saying. If we decide to take back our words others perceive our point as negotiable and will begin to wrangle and argue their side engaging in debate. We want to be heard, not accosted by a verb joust. So, hold your guns and gain the respect that comes with being authentic.
Final Thought: "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." - Helen Keller
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© copyright Chip Madera,
MS, CSP. All rights reserved
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